Mortal Fears

Everyday I read something about a few people dying. Growing up in 21st Century, I do not even take notice of it. Never ever have been these many unnecessary fatalities. My apathy towards death scares me, often pointing to my fading compassion as I grow up. I never wanted to be one of those people who are oblivious to the pain of other people. Looking at it from another angle, I am not so insensitive to death. I am very scared of my own death!

It all started when I was very young. One of my older cousin, Puneet, had come to visit us. With his popular gags and jokes he was a hit among the kids. We were all playing in the garden on a winter afternoon. I was just rolling in the grass and was laughing at being tickled by the pointed grass poking me through my T-shirt. Suddenly an insect came flying and stung me in the arm. The pain wasn't excruciating, therefore, I decided to ignore it and be cool. A few moments later, I realized that I had developed a water bubble under my skin at the site of attack. Seemingly perturbed by this aberration on my skin, I ran to the senior most consultant in the vicinity of the garden; Puneet he was. All the other kids were sitting besides him and enjoying his anecdotes. After a thorough diagnosis, he declared that I had cancer. The news came to me like my worst fears had come true.

The only thing I knew about cancer was that it had no cure and any body who had cancer in a TV serial would die and say bye to that soap. I moved away from Puneet and went inside quietly. Amidst all this action and jokes, nobody noticed my sad lifeless walk in the drawing room. I just sat onto the cushion and started crying. I had dreamed of doing so many things. I hadn't yet fired an air gun and I was about to die. This seemed like very unfair to me. Silent tears made way through my eyes and wet my lips with salty water. There was no sobbing. It was just a disciplined queue of tears waiting inside and walking out calmly when their turn came. It was uncharacteristic of me to not make a big deal about the cause of my tears. Crying was my trump card. I had always used tears as my last defense to resolve crisis. But today, I was defenseless. Today, tears weren't there to solve anything, they were there to express a newly found feeling, sadness. This was a new feeling and what bad luck that it came in form of news of my approaching mortality. Dad was walking out through drawing room when he saw me sitting quietly, making a mess of myself. When I told him that I am going to die of cancer because of the water bubble on my arm, he was both amused and relieved. He told me that they had been joking with me and I was to live a long and glorious life. He then called in Puneet and scolded him for his sad joke which was not so funny now. All the kids outside were laughing at me. The water bubble was burst open in the local clinic a few days later, but my mortal fears were not.

At the age of nine, this was the first time when I had appreciated life and not cribbed about the fact that other kids at the school were getting jam in their lunch box while I was just getting bread and pickle.

I was always a very safe child. Never fought with anybody. Always rode the cycle very slow and never took shortcuts. I was very "uncool". Kept away from dogs and didn't even curse god in my mind, after all he might just be listening to my thoughts at this very moment. Why mess up with the strongman.

I was in Ahmadabad in May 2001 to appear for an exam. This was only 4 months after a death-hungry earthquake had engulfed a large part of civilization and life in the region. The aftermath of this tragedy shook me from inside and brought another of my fears to the fore. A few months later, I was living on 1st floor in Ganga Hostel, IIT. One fine evening, an earthquake shook the coastal city, I lived in. I ran down as soon as I realized what was happening. A lot of other people followed the suit, but I did not return inside the building with them even with calm restored. I was still waiting downstairs for an official message about likelihood of another shaker. Just about then, somebody came and announced on the mike that more earthquakes are expected and everybody is instructed to go to Sangam ground to to seek safety. I dashed to Sangam. A match was going on over there. One of my classmates who had come there to support one of the teams asked me why the hell was I there, after all I didn't support either of the teams. I did not want to confess my fears to him so just avoided him by moving to some place else. I returned to hostel only when I found out that the announcement was a prank played by one of supporters of the teams in Sangam to get more audience. Later the Dean released a public statement saying that Chennai wasn't on the fault zone, so we may go back and sleep peacefully. I still couldn't. I forced my roommate to let me sleep near the door. I had a planned an escape route via the tree close to the door in event of an unlikely earthquake. Sleep avoided me all night. This was not the end of my nightmare. Even now, very often, I wake up in sleep feeling a quake, waking everybody beside me. Moments later, I am put to sleep again after being forced to believe that it was the dog moving under the bed. If computer games were never my type, Quake sure is my last choice game.

I believe all of us have some mortal fears. I feel quite light after the confession of my fears. If you say you do not have mortal fears than you are not brave enough. Not brave enough to face them.

Good night
Wishing you all a safe world.

PS: Anybody got the connect between the photo in the beginning and the post?